Fall brings all sorts of newness to our daily lives, and for college students especially, the newness is a big deal. A little preparation can help us all feel more grounded when so much is shifting. Read SparkWell’s Lisa Cashion’s back to college tips for parents.
WRITTEN BY Lisa Cashion, LCMHC, NCC
Fall brings all sorts of newness to our daily lives, and for college students especially, the newness is a very big deal. New environment, new living arrangements, new academic material and new professors. And then there are new goals, social experiences, challenges and opportunities, interests and so many new people.
Some of us are mostly eager to embrace the novelty and opportunity for a fresh start. Some of us will approach the new terrain with caution and concern. It is usually a combination of enthusiasm and trepidation.
A little preparation can help us all feel more grounded when so much is shifting. So, here are some tips for parents from a counselor and fellow parent.
As parents of college students, it can be helpful to make space for conversations about aspects of a new environment. It is also helpful to consider our own feelings about the newness and our reduced control over our children’s experiences.
Of course, we want to give guidance on safety, time management and maintaining health—but we want to do it in a way that isn’t overly emotional or pressured. If we dump our own anxiety and worry on our adolescent children, we are not leaving enough room for our kids to share their own concerns.
Here are five ways to open the door to authentic conversations about navigating the new terrain:
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
When it comes to conversations about difficult and emotion-laden experiences, we all get a little “keyed-up.” It is useful to spend some time getting our own nervous systems into neutral before introducing a topic that might be sensitive for us and for our adolescent/young adult children. Take some deep breaths, go for a walk and remind yourself that staying calm and clear will create a positive environment for healthy conversation.
STAY CURIOUS
As much as we think we know our loved ones, we can’t be mind-readers. There is always something interesting or unexpected to be shared when we are genuinely open to hearing it. Curious is not the same as interrogating, and—believe me—I have made the mistake of sounding interrogating at times. It takes some practice to be an active listener, but we all can do it. Invitational comments like, “I’d love to hear more about that,” or “Thanks for sharing that with me,” will go a long way in paving a road for future dialogue.
We are so accustomed to thinking about the responsibility of protecting and guiding our children that alarm bells go off when we hear something that sounds upsetting or unfamiliar or scary. But an emotional reaction isn’t going to promote continued conversation.
REMEMBER NOT TO JUDGE
This can be extra hard, I think, with our kids. We are so accustomed to thinking about the responsibility of protecting and guiding our children that alarm bells go off when we hear something that sounds upsetting or unfamiliar or scary. But an emotional reaction isn’t going to promote continued conversation. A good rule of thumb is to have a handy remark available like, “I want to think about this a bit” or “Can we continue talking about this later?” Sometimes what we need is a little time to consider how to respond to or absorb the information. Other times we might need to consult a professional or other resource about a specific concern.
MAINTAIN PRIVACY
When our children confide in us, it is demonstrating their trust in our ability to maintain their privacy. It is a good idea to consider how we would feel in the same situation about sharing personal information.
REMEMBER, WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE PERFECT
It is a relief to realize that we can’t be perfect, but it doesn’t mean we can’t try to continually improve our communication skills. It is helpful when our adolescent/young adult children know that we don’t expect perfection from ourselves or them.
Lisa Cashion, LCMHC, NCC, founder of SparkWell Counseling, is a licensed counselor, life coach and educator who supports high achievers in designing a healthier more balanced lifestyle.
SparkWell Counseling and Coaching provides energetic and solution-oriented support for individuals and couples who are looking for more clarity and balance in their lives.
Find out more about SparkWell offerings at sparkwellcounseling.com.
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